Sometimes you need a vacation from life.
Not that my life was anything bad. The spring and early summer brought challenges, of course. Regular life took it’s toll. But I was getting into a groove. My friendships blossomed, I got through some emotional scars, I loved going to work every day. I started going to social events again, I met new people, I accepted life as a single and happy person. I even gave up drinking vodka and started hiking instead.
As I conquered mountains around Phoenix, I began conquering myself. Things were okay.
But I was alone. Realistically speaking, I have no family in the Valley. Yes, my friends have become my family in a way I needed most and I’m so thankful. But I started missing my family: those people that always have your back no matter what, the ones that you love and hate.
I’ve never been much of a family person. From the time I was very young, my family has always been shifting, exploding, changing, expanding, threatening, and tearing apart. My immediate family was divided by my parents’ divorce when I was a toddler and my extended family became, well, even more extended. In my early adulthood, I discovered it was best to just ignore or cut off the drama that seemed to surround my family, and so I did. I ventured out alone, making lots of mistakes, but finally finding my own footing.
And that’s where I am. I’ve found my own footing, but I seem to be lonely.
When you’re first alone (or maybe it’s just me?), you couldn’t be more thrilled. You make your own hours, leave the dishes in the sink and the towels on the floor, feed the dog scraps from the table because no one is there to tell you otherwise. You watch crazy porn, record every reality show that E! and Bravo has airing, and let the laundry pile up until you’re out of underwear. You enjoy it! Freedom! Space! You are your own boss!
And then the lonely starts creeping in. Suddenly that staying up until 4am and having to be at work at 7am thing wasn’t so smart. Flies begin buzzing over your dishes. The towels start to smell. Your dog is shitting all over your carpet because of the greasy food you’re feeding her. The porn and the reality shows get boring. And suddenly you realize you’re going commando because you ran out of underwear two weeks ago and you can’t find any quarters to do laundry. Fuck.
Life isn’t horrible, things are okay. You’re paying your bills on time and enjoying evenings out with friends. But lonely sucks.
Maybe I’m not taking a vacation from life. Maybe I’m taking a vacation from lonely. If that’s the case, moving in with my Dad for the summer is just fine. Sure, he’ll ask me what time I’m going to be home and bug me about cleaning my room, but at least I won’t be lonely. And that makes it all okay with me.
